The amount of times I have tried to write this post is astonishing. I've written it on bad days when I was trying to get words on screen. And on good days when I was too preoccupied with trying to get "happier" posts up. But I'm sitting down and I'm focused. I haven't had a really bad or a really good day. I'm sort of at an in between state which can be seen as a neutral, which funnily enough is what most people call "normal."
Living with anxiety and depression is exhausting. Anyone who lives with any mental illness can probably attest to that. Living with several however just makes you tired all the time. There are days when you don't want to get out of bed or face anyone. There are days when just putting on clothes makes you exhausted.
It makes every day a struggle of fighting your mind that tells you that "You are worthless" "You are alone" "You are not enough" and, on bad days, believing it. But it is also you telling your mind to shut up and reminding yourself that "You are enough" "You are NOT alone" and "You are worth more than anything this world has to offer."
Living with anxiety and depression is texting your friends back right away and then wondering if you texted them to quickly, and avoiding talking on the phone because phone calls you can't see how their responding. It is also being scared to fail but being too tired to be productive. It is wanting to succeed but not having the motivation to do it.
It is craving bed time because then you can escape for a little while but also dreading it because when it is silent, your mind is on full blast.
Because of my anxiety, I've learned to avoid any type of situations that make me uncomfortable but I also want to do new things and create new experiences. I want to travel to places unknown but am terrified of being by myself and getting lost. I want to experience festivals, cons, and amusement parks and not have to worry about what other people think of me. I've become accustomed to hiding behind people or standing off to the side when people do happened to get me to go out.
Living with any kind of mental illness makes every day a battle, a war you did not sign up for.
But throughout that long battle, you can find that your voice can shake trees and move mountains. That's what its like for me. There are my bad days, days that I don't think I can face the world, days that I can't move but have to because I need to go to work because work=money and money=being able to live on my own. Those days are tough, those are the days I need to put my armor and walk into battle, scared to face my demons alone.
But on those bad days, I have to remind myself that I am not in this alone. I have an army to help me fight. I have friends, both in-person and online that stand by my side. These friends and family that stand by my side, do so without my asking, because I am unafraid to talk about what I am facing.
Through dealing with my anxiety and depression, I've learned to advocate for mental health awareness in a society that tells people who suffer from it that "it's not real" or "you're just looking for attention" or "you're not really sick." I've learned to speak up for my fellow warriors in this daily battle.
Living with anxiety and depression is very real. And thousands of people do it every day. Yet, society still treats it as taboo. This is 2017 and the sooner people realize that it’s not "all in our heads" then the sooner we might be a better society.
I do have to say a big thank you to all the influencers, celebrities, rock stars, etc. who advocate for mental health awareness. More and more people who have a voice that can be heard over everyone are opening up and talking to their fans, to the world about mental health awareness. And because of that, more and more people are being heard, and more and more people are reaching out for help.
Like mentioned several times above, living with anxiety and depression is tough, exhausting, and overwhelming but living with any type of mental illness in a world that maybe is not so judgmental, might make it a little easier on us.
We are people too.
Until next time lovelies,
9 years working on managing my anxiety and depression but I am still here, still fighting. And I will always keep fighting
"If it scares you, it might be a good thing..."